America Launches Probe to Investigate Alleged World History

Bush Fights Back Against Global Warming

Bush Orders Emergency Aid to Jupiter

Bush Proposes Using Alternative Lifestyles as Alternative Fuel Source

First Verifed Human Clone Turns Out to Be No Big Deal, Hollywood Reeling

First Mimp Born in Tennesse

Flashing Genocide Pop-Up Ad puts Damper on Myspace Session

Gateway to New Dimensions Eclipsed by Shaved Head

'Gettin' by' Dubbed Worlds Worst Video Game By Experts

Hawking Propones Space Colonization, Porn

Iran Attempts to Aquire Schizo-Fusion Antimatter

Maturbation Linked to Temporary Blindess, Depression

Microorganisms Discovered to Be Lazy

More Teen Violence Blamed on Video Games

New "Fuck Me" Elmo Widens the Elmo Demographic

New Research Suggests Global Warming Still Acutally Not Really Real

New "Sentient" Elmo raises Concers, Fisher Price Profits

NYC's Freedom Tower Will Have 20 Windowless Stories, Mirrors

PC User Attempts to Defrag Pile of Silicon Dust

Probes Investigate, But Can We Trust Them?

Stephan Hawking Abandones Theoretical Physics For Pimpin'

U.N. Bird Flu Chief: Expect More Cases