300-YEAR-OLD BOOK BOUND IN HUMAN FLESH FOUND IN NORTHERN ENGLAND

Associated Press reported that an old book, found at the scene of a botched burglary was found in Northern England last Saturday. The book was reportedly 300 years old and covered in human flesh. Pirates Weekly dispatched subversive investigator Dan ‘The Man” Mathews-Murdock to cover the story, which the Pirates believed may have been the discovery of a very powerful ancient text. No report was made however, and upon further investigation, all we found was a scene of bloody carnage. We came to find our reporter, but instead found only an abandoned cabin, covered in blood, severed limbs, and shotgun shells. The only other evidence we found at the scene was this opening paragraph from Dan’s unfinished report.

"A 300-year-old book that appears to be bound in human skin has been found in northern England. Scholars worked for hours trying to decipher the ancient text, which was found to be in an archaic and mostly useless language called French.

“'It was very intense work' Said literary anthropologist Beth Gilmore, 'We were especially concerned with the correct pronunciation of the words found in the beginning text, which we now know are pronounced Klaatu Barada Nikto!'”

What little was left of the text was either obscured by blood, or scribbled illegibly amid the chaos. The only other partially decipherable line of text says something about someone asking something to give them some sugar, baby.

Goodbye Dan, we will miss you. May your pen never run dry.

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