America Steps up Fear Tactics to Fuel Consumerism 

“Be afraid, and consume.” The U.S. has been telling its citizens this for decades, but lately the fear has been wearing thin as a jaded public, staring with empty eyes at reality TV, 9-11 footage, and Darfur pop-up ads, becomes increasingly difficult to spook. To rectify this, the Bush Administration has launched a new campaign to boost the economy. 

The program calls for government employees dressed as ghosts to sneak through U.S. streets shouting boo at random citizens. A series of Haunted Houses will be constructed along pedestrian commuter routes, while confusing sirens and soundtracks of French people weeping will be installed in the workplace.  

Wall Street is rallying as it envisions frantic, wild-eyed Americans rushing to the mall to drown their terror in credit card debt. In related news, Al Queda has called off its counterproductive jihad against the Great Satan.