AMERICANS ILLEGALLY EMMIGRATE IN SEARCH OF THE MEXICAN AND CANADIAN DREAMS

Disillusioned with their national dream, Americans are fleeing across the Mexican and Canadian borders in droves to seek more realistic dreams.

“Manifest destiny,” snorted Bob McCormick of Dayton, Ohio, as he crossed the Mexico/Texas border by night. “Freedom, wealth, rugged individualism. Psh. I think it’s time we all grow up. Personally, I’d be satisfied with afternoon naps.”

A like-minded Sally Olmsted of Seattle, Washington had this to say just before she fled to Vancouver: “Small government’s a nice idea. Low taxes are seductive, of course. ‘Every man for himself’ even has a certain dangerous romanticism to it. But I’d rather get free health care.”

One particularly ambitious Pittsburgher bought a plane ticket: he’s off in search of the Lichtenstein Dream. “It’s not a well-known dream,” he explained, “which is why I’m going for it. Get in on the ground floor, nail that son-of-a-bitch before everyone else jumps on the bandwagon. Beer and humorous inferiority complex, here I come.”

Meanwhile, American Dream stock continues to plummet, and its PR team scrambles to give it a makeover. “We need a New American Dream,” said American Dream CEO Dick Cheney. “Bigger. Shinier. Sexier. More violent. We’ve come up with a mascot… a giant supermodel with a machine gun eating a hamburger and shitting on the universe.”   

In the name of patriotism, the Pirates are proud to exclusively premiere the New American Dream…