BUSH PROPOSES USING ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES AS ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCE

OCTOBER 17, 2006, THE WHITE HOUSE

In a press conference on Monday, President Bush proposed a broad new alternative energy package that will appease conservationists, environmentalists, and conservative religious groups alike.

“We need an Apollo like program if we are to help meet the energy needs of tomorrows…energy needers.” Announced the President as he read from a teleprompter that must have been simulcast in Spanish. “ We need to think beyond the box, and outside the interior.” The president then punctuated his speech with a half-hour long dramatic pause in which he seemed to lose all function as a human being. Finally, after coxing from Dick Cheney who made a hooting noise out of the bell of his head, the President continued.

“I am repealing my proposed ban on gay marriages. We don’t need that kind of legislation because America must, can and will use homosexuals for fuel.” Bush then added that homosexuals are more efficient and cleaner burning than traditional fossil fuels. When asked about the validity of these claims, the president responded with agitated rhetoric backed by pseudo science reminiscent of the American eugenics movement.

“The numbers don’t lie” stumbled a defensive Bush; “One gay lesbian can get thirty or forty miles to the gallon on the open road. And it’s well known that dirty unpatriotic godless faggots burn clean and are environment friendly.”

The press was not allowed any further questions but Bush did reaffirm his stance on alleviating dependency on foreign oil by drilling in zoo’s and neighborhood front lawns.