BUSH DECLARES NEW YEARS EVE AN AMERICAN HOLIDAY…ONLY AMERICAN

THE WHITE HOUSE, The “Bad Place” underneath the Lincoln bedroom.

The press shuffled into the small leather padded and studded walls of the Executive fetish closet known to secret service agents as the “Bad Place”. The air was a reeking vicious cocktail of scented candles, astro glide and corndogs. The only illumination came from a bald red light that swung back and forth like a pendulum reminiscent of our foreign policy.  Embedded in the mat black hide of a wall, a TV screen continuously blared Joel Schumacher’s “Phantom Of the Opera, “ a movie apparently made to pay homage to shit. We were shuffled in so close that any reporter not comfortable with their own sexuality would have taken umbrage, but the fetishist walls provided almost no room. In front of us was a trunk, that every now and again shook slightly and emitted a subdued squeal not unlike Ned Beatty’s in that ass rape/ buddy movie.

Shortly we were joined by a man in a sharp suit, who also dawned a spiked collar. He kicked the trunk three times and then said “Ladies and gentlemen of the Press, The President of the United States.”  The trunk flew open and what we presumed to be the President stood up dressed in a full rubber subservient super suit, complete with a shiny red ball gag the bore the presidential seal. The only piece of skin that the suit seemed to allow out were his nipples, both of which appeared to be hooked up to small jumper cables. The assistant removed the ball gag and the President spoke. Somehow, despite everything that had already transpired, none of us were surprised that it was, in fact, him.

“My fellow Americans," He began, though the concept of us all being “Fellows” now took on a new darker meaning that made many uncomfortable, “ I have come here to tell you that Lord Cheney—" The President made a series of epileptic like jolts that coincided with a buzzing sound. It wasn’t until he continued that we noticed his nipples were smoking. “—I mean, um, I have decided that New Years is from now on only an American Holiday. No other country shall have a new year. “

Susan Freeman from the Times raised her hand “Um….Why?”

“America has to stay on top. We have to continue to be a super power. We cannot afford to lose our hold on power in the future” Said the President, who began rubbing his rubber-clad body with an unidentified viscous fluid.  “The only way to do that is to stop other countries, such as China and Russia from having access to the future.”

The Post’s Bill Hanson put in his two cents “What the living fuck are you talking about now, Sir?”

"America’s interests must be protected at all costs," replied the President, “And I will do what ever it takes to keep this country safe. Lord Cheney—“ He was cut off again as the electrodes attached to his nipples were activated. “I mean, I…have decided that we will consider any country’s attempt to celebrate a new year an act of war. If other countries cannot get to the future, they cannot harm us in it. America will be the only country of the future, and all others will depend on us for the future of their imports and technologies as they will all be stuck in the year 2006.”

“That…is the stupidest fucking thing I have ever heard.” I said. But the president was finished. He got down on all fours and waited for a leather-clad dick Cheney. We were ushered out of the chamber and sent about our way. We heard screams and whimpers coming from the room echoing in the halls. The last thing we heard was a loud cry of the word “Apple,” and only then did the nightmarish sounds stopped.