Sleeping Grants are Handed Out in Canada 

Raising the bar on quasi-socialist safety nets for its citizens, Canada recently began a program of grants for sleeping. These state funds have been allocated to, "Support the basic human function of sleep, without which society is little more than a truce between predatory corporations," according to Minister of Social Development Monte Solberg.  
The stipends vary, depending on how long a citizen wishes to concentrate exclusively on sleep, from 6 months to as many years. Extensions are also available. To qualify for a sleeping grant, a Canadian must prove he or she is 1) able to sleep, and 2) capable of quitting his or her job. Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper explained the latter qualification at a Monday press conference: "We want to ensure that recipients of these grants can devote 100 percent of their time and energy to sleep."  

Once a citizen obtains a grant, he or she is by no means on easy street. A grant specialist pays regular visits, to ensure the recipient is sleeping at least 9 hours a day. Disbursements may otherwise be suspended, though an appeals process involving a compensatory nap may reinstate the grant. 

American slackers are emigrating to Canada in lazy, fitful droves. 28-year-old Jonce Abrahms, a native of Ohio, has recently become the first American to receive a sleeping grant. He has been unavailable for comment.