New study demonstrates classics won't be with us forever 

Shattering countless promises made to us over the years, scientists have proven that timeless classics like ‘Hey Jude,’ ‘White Christmas,’ and ‘What a Wonderful World’ are in fact doomed to one day not exist.  

“Claims to the contrary are specious,” said particle physicist Ralph Merkle at a Monday press conference. “Boasting that these admittedly charming songs will be with us always, is flagrantly irresponsible.” The new study shows irrefutably that the songs, and any conceivable medium storing them, will one day meet the same fate as all matter and information in the universe: dissolution. Merkle continued, “Universal heat death would accomplish this as readily as a Big Crunch.” 

Millions of civil suits are being brought against late-night music compilation commercials, for false advertising and psychological damage. In related news, children are probably not the future.