ELMO SENT TO LEBANON TO NEGOTIATE PEACE, HUGS

The Bush Administration, in cooperation with the Jim Hensen Company, dispatched beloved Muppet Elmo to the Middle East on Wednesday, in hopes of stemming violence between Israel and Lebanon.

“Elmo make new friends,” predicted Elmo just before his departure, “and give lots of hugs!”

His first stop was the bombed-out office of Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah, in Beirut. Parachuting in, Elmo was pleased to see a mob of new friends converging on his position. Elmo ran toward them, arms outstretched for the biggestist hug of all time! Unfortunately, the Hezbollah militants weren’t looking for a hug.

“We lost track of him for a few minutes,” said Operation Hugs satellite engineer Jim Higgs. “The crowd did horrible things to him, I’m pretty sure. Then there was a missile strike. We found him again on the road to Damascus…”

He stumbled along, burnt, bleeding, covered in excrement and other substances. “They did bad things to Elmo,” whimpered Elmo. “Hurtful and dirty things. Things that make Elmo cry.”

Elmo soon found a bombed airstrip, and a weapons cache. Elmo picked up an SG assault rifle and contemplated the weight of it in his hands. “Elmo feel powerful,” said Elmo. He loaded the weapon. “Elmo has a new friend.”

He lit a cigarette, then stared into the sun as his tears flowed, but he was laughing. “Some day this war’s gonna end,” he told a nearby vulture.