FIRST VERIFIED HUMAN CLONE TURNS OUT TO BE NO BIG DEAL; HOLLYWOOD REELING

Scientists unveiled the first human clone on Monday, with less than cinematic results.  Evincing no homicidal or even interesting behavior, the child appears to be developing normally, with healthy but unremarkable divergences from its genetic donor.

“The child has not tried to kill anyone,” said Dr. Bret Misik, head of the project and not-even-remotely mad geneticist. Further investigation revealed that the doctor was not trying to recreate a lost child, nor play god.  In fact, the experiment is turning out to be rather boring.

“We thought there would be spiritual implications,” said the Pope, “but it turns out there aren’t any. They just look alike. Frankly we’re disappointed.”

A world pandemic of depression is sweeping talk show hosts: turns out there’s not much to talk about, clone-wise. The military showed brief interest, before realizing that a clone army is a lot of trouble offering just one advantage: it seems all badass and sci-fi.

The hardest hit has been Hollywood. “Clones are dramatic and evil,” insisted Ron Howard. “You can’t play god without consequences.” He then broke into tears and admitted, “I don’t know who I am anymore.”

In related news: astrophysicists have confirmed that black holes are not gateways to hell. “They’re super-dense collapsed stars,” clarified Stephen Hawking.  “Evil doesn’t come out of them. Nothing does, in fact.”

Ron Howard, since hearing the news, has been spotted on Hollywood Blvd giving head for crack.