OIL INDUSTRY EXECUTIVES DENY INFLATING GAS PRICES

Top executives from the country's largest oil companies rejected arguments last Tuesday that size has allowed them overwhelming market power to force up gasoline and other fuel prices, initially claiming that it is the rising cost of raw materials, and not market manipulation, that is core reason for rising prices at the American pump. But upon deeper investigation, they changed their tune.

"Every time there is a merger the prices have gone up. Is that just coincidence?" asked Vermont Sen. Patrick Leahy, the committee's ranking Democrat.

“No.” Replied a beleaguered looking Rex Tillerman, Chairmen of Exxon Mobil, “It’s not a coincidence, but it’s not our doing. It’s not our fault…”

“Then whose fault is it?” Pressed Diane Feinstein, who was wearing a politically provocative ensemble and donning a button that said I like Ike. “The rising gas prices at the consumer level cannot be explained simply by the rising cost of oil.”

“Look, we don’t want it to be this way.” Responded Tillerman, “We want the public to save money at the pump. In fact, if we could, we would absorb all the costs, I mean we’re humanitarians. We’re good people. I can’t speak for everyone here but I got into the oil game to help people.”

“I’ve wanted to take our company non-profit for years” Said Shell Oil President John Hofmeister minutes later, “I can safely say, speaking for all oil corporations, that I only wish we could do something about that fact that retail gas has increased over ten cents a gallon in the last two weeks even though the price of crude oil declined. I mean, I have prayed to the good lord up above that we would stop making record profits by easily passing our raw costs onto motorists.” 

This did not satisfy a committee growing tired of backtalk, runarounds, and Fienstiens inappropriate I Like Ike button. Finally, Chairmen Arlen Specter, R-pa, pressed the oil execs for an answer. “So whose is to blame for rising retail costs?”

The executives suddenly looked frightened and exchanged awkward glances back and forth as if they all had just shown up wearing pro-socialist pro-neo market communist shirts with slogans like Ban the Buck at a BYOB party for the violent alcoholic males with borderline schizoid penis envy and anger management issues chapter of the Ayn Rand society. A silence hung in the air as the committee awaited an answer with the same nail biting, edge of your seat anticipation that people for some reason still expect from the third act twist of a movie written and directed by M. Night Shamalan.

Tillerman spoke first. “It’s not us…It’s it’s...” He let out a long exasperated sigh that was echoed by the other executives, “It’s Alfonse.”

“Alfonse?” Repeated Senator Feinstein, replacing her button with one that read Howard Dean is my spiritual Manservant.  

Tillerman responded in a sad voice that was eerily reminiscent of Bill Paxton’s stirring speech about tornados in the action packed Cary Elweys as Carey Elweys summer blockbuster “Twister” in which he gave a performance that was grossly over-looked by the Academy “Yes, Alfonse.”

After a long uncomfortable pause, he continued.

“We didn’t want to have to do this. We’ve been keeping this secret so long…but the reason for the rising cost of Gas is Alfonse De Le Trec Von Huffenliecter. An evil Gas Gnome with a penchant for wiffle balls, Watermelons and dirty, dirty catholic schoolgirls. It is he who is in charge, and he, in his divine glory of self evident self, who runs the American Oil Trade.” Tears flowing from his eyes, he continued on for a half and hour.

“So your telling me," Spectre asked at the end of the explanation, “That a magical Norwegian Gnome name Alfonse who has a club foot, smokes lucky strike non-filtered, and is spending billions of dollars of oil company money on T-Girl hookers with hairy upper lips and Pabst blue ribbon, is single handedly fleecing the American people and subjugating petroleum corporations and their executives for his own personal gain, and is so reclusive and embarrassed by his diminutive size and dainty lady like fingers, that he will be unable to attend this meeting, or any subsequent meeting?’

“Yes” Replied Tillerman.

“And we should just accept this?”

“Yes.” Tillerman said again.

“Okay” Answered an apparently satisfied Arlen Spectre. “Is there anything else before we adjourn?”

“Just one thing, Said Tillerman, “ I just also want to go on record as saying that due to Alfonse De Le Trec Von Huffenliecter’s illusive and reclusive nature, what with him being a bi-polar manic-depressive with reoccurring nightmares of contracting Lymphatic Filarsis of the testacies which are the potent source of his evil thaumaturgy, and his genetic pre disposition to marrying ugly, frigid women named Maude it would be unnecessary to examine the possibility of creating legislation to strengthen anti-trust laws or create laws that would make companies unable to hold back refining crude oil or export or divert refined fuel products when supplies are short in a region just to hold up gas prices. It might make him angry.”

“Done.” Answered the chairmen. And with the mystery revealed, the hearings were concluded.