God announces ‘Holy Land’ is actually in Dayton, Ohio

God stunned the war-torn Middle East on Thursday with a revelation: the only sacred ground on the planet lies in a vacant lot on the outskirts of Dayton, Ohio.

“Forget Jerusalem,” He said unto the world’s holy warriors. “It doesn’t mean Jack Shit to me, okay? It’s a bunch of worthless dirt.” He sheepishly added, “Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

As the bottom falls out of many Middle East conflicts, 37-year-old Mark Billings, owner of the New Holy Land, released the following statement to the press: “That’s right bitches. No more part time at the video store for me. I want to give a shout-out to God… ‘bout time you threw me a bone, dawg… and I’d like to start the bidding at ten million.”

An exultant and slightly drunk Governor Bob Taft of Ohio told reporters: “I know our state has the reputation of being ‘boring,’ but that’s about to change. Now, in addition to ‘The Mead Factory,’ we have the goddammed Holy Land! Yeah, that’s right. Who’s laughing now? Indiana… how’s that Notre Dame campus lookin’? Still wanna rub my face in it? Hehe, awwwwww, snap!”

 In barely related news, a group of Liechstensteinians has occupied Kashmir, aggravating India/Pakistan tensions.