GOLDEN CALF WORSHIP MAKES COMEBACK AS “GOD”-WORSHIP PLUMMETS
As commitment to the bearded sky-deity known as “God” wanes, multitudes are turning to the Golden Calf, hastily abandoned by mankind over 2500 years ago.
“It’s about fucking time,” said Yossef Isaiah, 103rd in a lonely line of priests that has kept Golden Calf worship alive in a shack near Mt. Sinai, ever since Moses smashed the first idol. “Hmmm, what tipped you off that the ‘God’ thing wasn’t working? Was it the catastrophic holy wars? The child-raping priests? The slowing down and sometimes reversal of scientific progress? Perhaps it was the hemisphere-wide guilt complex and fear of sex. Gotta hand it to ya, mankind. You’re just razor-fucking sharp.”
The sarcastic hermit, now the de-facto theocrat of the world’s fastest-growing religion, shamelessly demands gifts from his flock, mostly cash and sexual favors, but also entertainment. Neophytes are required to perform humiliating dances and animal-pantomimes, while Yossef cackles sadistically. “It’s all in our Holy Text,” explains Yossef. “Our priesthood grew bitter over the years, neglected as we were. Now it’s payback time.”
As of this report, Yossef is dressing like a pimp and resides in Vegas.