CLERICS CALL FOR JIHAD ON TODD, ANDY, JUSTIN AND IAN

Islamic extremists calling themselves The Logging Chain of Enlightened Compassion announced on a video posted on the AL Jazeera website that a new Jihad has been taken up against Todd, Andy, Justin, and Ian.

“We can no longer allow the slandering of Islam to go unpunished, the infidels must be destroyed.” Said Lesser Cleric Imam “The Man” Ramadan, “The derogatory remarks made by the western imperialist oppressors such as ‘xenomorph’ and that we should be hunted like ‘bugs’ has deeply offended the Muslim people and their peaceful faith, and so they must be killed and their seeds destroyed.”

The uproar is over statements made by the four companions while drinking beer, smoking weed and playing Dungeons & Dragons in Todd’s parent’s basement, which hasn’t been redecorated since they voted for Nixon.

According to sources, Andy quoted “All right sweethearts you heard the man and you know the drill, assholes and elbows!“

Too which Justin, five beers in, replied “Express Elevator to hell, Going Down!”

Todd, too stoned to notice his beard was full of cheetos added in “Game over man, Game over!”

The entire quote fest seemed to wrap up with Ian’s “You always we’re an asshole Gorman.” But unfortunately for the quartet of Adventure Role Players slash singer songwriter sci-fi novelists turned Porno Enthusiasts with a slow Internet connection, it didn’t end there.

Al Jazeera aired the quotes, which enraged at least .51 percent of the entire Muslim community. Al Jazeera released a transcript of the aired conversation and the offending quotes.

ANDY: There gonna come in here, they’re gonna come in here and there gonna get us!”

IAN: Look man! I only need to know one thing: where they are.

JUSTIN: Is this going to be a standup fight, sir, or another bug hunt?

TODD: All we know is that there is still is no contact with the colony, and that a xenomorph may be involved.

ANDY: It’s a bug hunt.

IAN: Remember…Short controlled bursts.

TODD: Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty shit now man

IAN: Maybe they don’t show up on infrared at all. Are we getting a pizza?

TODD: Yeah we are. I know we're all in strung out shape but stay frosty and alert. We can't afford to let one of those bastards in here.

JUSTIN: They're coming outta the walls. They're coming outta the goddamn walls, we're fucked!

ANDY: Wierzbaski!

JUSTIN: …it'll be dark soon, and they mostly come at night... mostly.

TODD: That's it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?

IAN: Nuke the sight from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

Images of Todd and Andy were burned in effigy, sodomized, decapitated, fist fucked and ultimately torn apart by wild stallions in a peaceful demonstration against perpetuating the violent Islamic stereo type and thus creating an identity gap between religions and nations that could put strains on economic, theological and humanitarian growth. Thousands joined the protest on Sunday, led by the Glorious Brotherhood of the Atom Bomb of Mild Reason, calling for an apology, a written letter of unambiguous remorse, a collection of billboards to be displayed internationally addressing the unfair opinions of radical Islam, a luncheon with the Surviving members of the Lovin Spoonful, a good will concert by Cat Stevens, the deployment of 70 million leaflets with depictions of Jesus Christ getting ass raped by Buddha while Moses gives him a reach around, 3.5 billion in unmarked American dollars, stock options and bonds, a peaceful allocation and presentation of thermonuclear devices and biological weaponry, and a global treaty that declares all Islam safe from any joke, slight, assessment or assumption, and includes a clause that makes Barry Pepper the emotional barometer of humanity. 

“They say we are bugs, that we only come out at night…That we do not show up on infared,” Ramadan said before evening prayers, “And it is well known that Aliens is a metaphore for the war in the middle east. We must defend ourselves. That is all.”

Todd responded to the comments via decaying electron radioscope  “God damn it, that's not all! 'Cause if one of those things gets down here then that will be all! And all this, this bullshit that you think is so important, you can just kiss all that goodbye!”

The international community was unavailable for comment with the exception of Iran and Venezuela, who mumbled something about "being put upon by the man" and "why don’t we kill the Jews", but no was listening to their bullshit anymore.