PIRATES WEEKLY - Lindsey Lohan checks into Rehab

Lindsey Lohan checks into Rehab

Fame hooker Lindsay Lohan, who's vagina is slightly more famous than she is, checked her self into Wonderland rehabilitation center on Thursday. It came as no surprise to pretty much everybody in the world that the so-called actress needed some personal time to regroup, considering that she's put enough snow up her nose to counteract the effects of Global Warming. Lohan, who's only job is too show the fuck up everyday and act (in between mohitos in her air-conditioned trailer), was recently scolded by James G Robinson of Morgan Creek for her string of "exhaustion and de-hydration" related absences. In addition, the entertainer came under fire for her recent weight problems, as a consortium of concerned scientists warned that her continued weight-loss could "punch a hole in space-time leading to a galactic catastrophe not seen since the great Plasma Migration of the first Inter-phase."

"I don't believe in space-time" Lindsay said upon entering The Wonderland Treatment Center, but many in the consortium feel her vagina may soon form a roving black hole that would devour the earth.

"You can see the Event Horizon forming at the labia," Said Quantum Anthropologist Beth Gilmore, siting yet another recent photo of the movie star's embattled genital pastrami, "with this amount of pounding it wont be long until a point mass is reached, and the whole damn thing suffers a hydrodynamical collapse."

The Bush administration is currently seeking legislation that would limit the use and exposure of Lindsay Lohans vagina, but with a liberal congress now in power, it may be hard to pass through.

Secretary of Defense Robert gates said on Fnordday, "Lindsay Lohans vagina is a constant, clear and present danger to the safety and economic stability of the United States," referring to a recent study done by the White house that suggests Lindsay's gapping vaginal estuary is directly linked to the continued rise in petroleum. This accounts for gas prices soaring even though crude is at one of it's lowest point in years.

The White House has suggested strong sanctions, although it did make clear that going in was not off the table. But critics suggest that sending more men into Lindsay's Vagina is not the answer, and is just more of the same.

While touring a new facility for pediatric gynecologists Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, who has not seen her own vagina in several years had this to say; "We need a clear and concise exit strategy from Lindsay's vagina. It's time to get out of there."

Bush blasted back at a later press conference, " We can't just pullout. If we pullout at the wrong time the Vagina could collapse. And that puts America in danger." As the President continued to fire off reason to stay the course in the Vagina, Protesters outside the White House called for immediate withdrawal.

Senator John Mccain supported the initiatives saying "It's time we realize that whether for good or ill, we are up in Lindsay's Vagina. We need to fill the vagina with something substantial as part of any exit strategy." He went on to explain that an effective exit strategy may include anal.




	Lindsey Lohan checks into Rehab Fame hooker Lindsay Lohan, who's vagina is slightly more famous than she is, checked her self into Wonderland rehabilitation center on Thursday. It came as no surprise to pretty much everybody in the world that the so-called actress needed some personal time to regroup, considering that she's put enough snow up her nose to counteract the effects of Global Warming. Lohan, who's only job is too show the fuck up everyday and act (in between mohitos in her air-conditioned trailer), was recently scolded by James G Robinson of Morgan Creek for her string of "exhaustion and de-hydration" related absences. In addition, the entertainer came under fire for her recent weight problems, as a consortium of concerned scientists warned that her continued weight-loss could "punch a hole in space-time leading to a galactic catastrophe not seen since the great Plasma Migration of the first Inter-phase." "I don't believe in space-time" Lindsay said upon entering The Wonderland Treatment Center, but many in the consortium feel her vagina may soon form a roving black hole that would devour the earth. "You can see the Event Horizon forming at the labia," Said Quantum Anthropologist Beth Gilmore, siting yet another recent photo of the movie star's embattled genital pastrami, "with this amount of pounding it wont be long until a point mass is reached, and the whole damn thing suffers a hydrodynamical collapse." The Bush administration is currently seeking legislation that would limit the use and exposure of Lindsay Lohans vagina, but with a liberal congress now in power, it may be hard to pass through. Secretary of Defense Robert gates said on Fnordday, "Lindsay Lohans vagina is a constant, clear and present danger to the safety and economic stability of the United States," referring to a recent study done by the White house that suggests Lindsay's gapping vaginal estuary is directly linked to the continued rise in petroleum. This accounts for gas prices soaring even though crude is at one of it's lowest point in years. The White House has suggested strong sanctions, although it did make clear that going in was not off the table. But critics suggest that sending more men into Lindsay's Vagina is not the answer, and is just more of the same. While touring a new facility for pediatric gynecologists Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, who has not seen her own vagina in several years had this to say; "We need a clear and concise exit strategy from Lindsay's vagina. It's time to get out of there." Bush blasted back at a later press conference, " We can't just pullout. If we pullout at the wrong time the Vagina could collapse. And that puts America in danger." As the President continued to fire off reason to stay the course in the Vagina, Protesters outside the White House called for immediate withdrawal. Senator John Mccain supported the initiatives saying "It's time we realize that whether for good or ill, we are up in Lindsay's Vagina. We need to fill the vagina with something substantial as part of any exit strategy." He went on to explain that an effective exit strategy may include anal.