MASTURBATION LINKED TO TEMPORARY BLINDNESS AND DEPRESSION

Natahoochie, Arkansas – The sixth case of temporary blindness in as many days has paralyzed a small population 3000 town. Where once the manicured city streets and sidewalks were filled with a vibrant friendly people who always greeted outsiders with a smile and a handshake, now there is only suspicion, emptiness, and doubt.

“This town depends on tourism.” Said Mayor Larry Vaughn, “We’re a summer town and we need summer dollars.” Natahoochie is well known for it’s small town charm, but what delivers tourists in droves is the worlds largest ball of inconsequential matter, located in the town’s square. “If people can’t see here, they’ll be happy to see on the beaches of Cape Cod, or look at the ball of twine in Darwin. We depend on people being able to see. Natahoochie, as you know, means friendship.”

The towns attending physician, Dr. Niven had originally classified the sight problems as a boating accident, all though it is not at all clear why. But experts disagree: “This is not a boating accident!” Said Dr. Matt “Hoops” Hoopersmith, as he examined inital victim Tom Cassidy, who was found with a sticky photo of marathon swimmer Chrissie Watkins.

But Mayor Vaughn wasn’t buying it. He demanded more proof even when a local mans defiled goat was brought in. “You should have seen it, “ Said the town sheriff “It was Ben Gardners goat, I towed it in myself”

Dr. Hoops added “I pulled a Bluetooth the size of a Palm five out of it’s hole. It was filled with pics of Chrissie Watkins.”

But the Mayor was still not convinced, “You’d love to prove that wouldn’t you? Get your name in the Kinsey Report…”

But the cause became clear when “That damn Kinter Kid”  was brought in for similar ailments. “This is what happens," Said 'Hoops', “In a small town where there is nothing to do, young kids can get very depressed. They hang their heads down in dispair. In addition they have hormones raging, they lube up and squirt one off. With their heads at the depressed angle, they are perfect targets for wayard spooge.”

The town could finally breath a sigh of relief, although many felt that the payoff wasn’t worth the build up. Spielberg’s people were unavailable for comment.