Minute Men Defense Corps stakes out the borderland, only to meet with Tragedy
THREE POINTS, Ariz. Minuteman volunteers concerned over the continued flow of illegal immigrants across the border from Mexico gathered Saturday with lawn chairs, binoculars and cell phones for a new month long campaign aimed at raising public awareness of the issue. Although many of the volunteers were wearing side arms they could not save themselves from the horror that would befall them, and inevitable, their lawn chairs. In a world where a global community consisting primarily of Americans, spends more and more time inside, on computers, video Games, and Dirty Catholic School Girls over 40 Dressed as Neo-Nazi Midget militias who love Large black men in White fishnet stocking who’s feet smell of a generation of disaffected and desensitized poultry and kick it golden style scat-gonzo internet pornography, the Lawn Chair is living on barrowed time.
“It happened all of a sudden, I just asked Bill to pass me another Pabst Blue Ribbon when suddenly they were up on us like a razor on a angry beaver.” Said Survivor and local karaoke super-star Jim “Jimbo” Mahugna , after the slaughter had ended. “We expected we might see some illegals trying to cross the border, but not…not Luchadores.”
At 12:09 pm, as the minutemen watched over the barren plane, several hundred immigrants dressed in capes and masks advanced on the backyard border watchers, letting out a blood curdling battle cry that was not subtitled in English. They were Mexican wrestlers, long oppressed in there own country who’s economic instability has reeked havoc with the commercial hero wrestler industry that once defined the very core of Hispanic culture for people living in Minnesota.
America is not just the land of freedom, economic liberty and supreme religious tolerance, but it is the divine acreage upon which the sweaty fruits of spandexed pugilists flourish in a garden of perpetual one-upmanship. And Los Luchadores were ready to cross over, and I don’t mean with John Edwards.
The lawn chair brigade stood their ground, but the weary band of masked desperados long on the march, would not be kept from their manifest smackdown. And it was a smackdown that the minutemen could not overcome. With a flurry of suplexes missile drop kicks, inverted atomic drops, and Mexican Arm Drags the Luchadores laid down a fiesta of pain, punishment and pile drivers. The carnage was unholy, the destruction of the lawn chairs, complete.
Specialists were called in to quell the illegals, and many were lost in the wholesale wrestlemania slaughter. Crushed under the weight of one hundred Luchadores, Joey Mercury was heard telling life partner Johnny Nitro that threes was an eternal love, before finally expiring. The few survivors could not explain what had finally stopped the brutality. They could say only that there was flash of bright light, a swirl of color, and then the Luchadores were dead. In the distance survivors say they saw a lone figure retreating over the horizon, and on the wind they heard a quiet “ Because Stone Cold says so…”