Neanderthal Reparations Spark Controversy

Cloned Neanderthals gathered in Washington on Monday to receive $3000 each in reparations for their ancestors’ slaughter by Cro Magnons.

“I accept this shred of paper,” said Neanderthal activist Bra, “with disgust. Three thousand dollars. How many of my ancestors’ memories does this buy, I ask you. Shall I put it toward a college education? But I’m just a simple Neanderthal. Perhaps I should invest in stone axes!”

“It really pisses me off,” said Cro Magnon descendent Bob Scheariss of Dayton, Ohio. “Sure, my ancestors thousands of years ago did some bad shit, but why should I be penalized for it? It’s time to put all this extinction business behind us.”

Anthropologist Beth Gilmore had this to say: “There’s still a school of thought that claims Neanderthals interbred with modern humans in Europe. And we are all descendents of Homo Erectus, now extinct. Perhaps every person on the planet should get a check. I’m an Anthropologist, which makes me poorer than the average Mexican.”

“This is fucking bullshit!” said African American Darnell Williams in a Tuesday interview. “Why you gotta clone some extinct motherfuckers to give reparations to? I’m right here you dumb crackers!”

“Cloning is awesome,” said Bush on Wednesday. “I mean, when it’s dinosaurs and cavemen and stuff. Not when it’s all… medical, and evil. I’m against evil.”

In related news, Native Americans have evolved new brain structures and are displacing whitey with advanced nanotech.