NEW ‘FUCK-ME ELMO’ WIDENS THE ELMO DEMOGRAPHIC

The Elmo toy franchise took a bold new step on Monday with the release of a very different sort of doll, one that has the Christian Right up in arms, and is drawing strange middle-aged men to the mall in droves.

“This is one of our most complex Elmos to date,” boasted a Fisher Price fun-gineer who preferred to remain anonymous. “The lubrication system alone required an exhaustive ten-year study of the space shuttle’s hydraulic systems. And to get the orgasmic moans right, we had to give Elmo an actual neural net capable of experiencing pleasure.”

The toy can be set to several different modes: slutty, soul mate, reluctant, no-means-no, and virgin (in which case Elmo’s hymen must be broken, and Elmo will bleed). The new doll retails at $49.99 and if left in tragically adorable co-dependent victem looking for a  soul-mate mode, must be cuddled with after sex.