INSIDER LOOK: DISNEYLAND’S NEW HAUNTED DETENTION CENTER

The world Famous Haunted Mansion opened on August 11, 1969, almost six years after expectations. The ‘dark ride’ has been one of Disneyland’s most popular attractions for the decades since. But in the more recent years, interest has declined as the ageing ride slowly slipped behind the times.

“It was great in the seventies and eighties.” Said Disneyland Spokesperson Earl Whintertagg, “But we realize that we are living in different times, and Disney has to change with those times if we are to continue to be the leading family park.”

 The high-ups at Disney are no dummies. They knew they were faced with an era where young children and teens, (Part of their primary demographic) were exposed to violence, terrorism and websites like http://www.ceruleanbutterfly.com that espouse the glories of eating disorders to confused young women. “In a world where even our ABC family channel has to basically develop soft core pornography to grab families in the primetime slots,” added Whintertagg, “we knew we needed to not just upgrade, but really make over, and we needed the right people to do it. To tell us what we needed.”

That’s why Disney hired the Human Enjoyment Evaluation firm of Dudak, Dudak and Andyberg, the leading provider of accurate HEE services across the Globe.  According to Whintertagg, within minutes, the firm had provided invaluable feedback. The firm’s top representative, Finn Saticoy, had this to say after only an hour studying the ageing ride.

“It’s so obsolete. I mean, people nowadays are so saturated with media. This ride doesn’t work on any level. Humans, as a general rule, don’t respond to stimuli.” 

So Disney invested over one hundred million, to redo their classic ride, and give it a look and feel that modern audiences could relate and respond to. And the press got the first look at the first new section of the ride last week. Only the first few minutes were up and running, but it was still the exclusive press preview of the season.

The Haunted Mansion façade that was once an icon of Disney Imagineering has been replaced by iron bars, concrete and the eerie smell of urine (actually a mixture of lilac, vinegar and asparagus, created by imaginers). A man dressed in green camo ushers you in through the front door into a waiting parlor, presumable built on the structure of the old Haunted Mansion waiting room. One of my press counter parts is wearing all white, and the Usher in green camo hands him a dark green military overcoat. “What’s this for?” The reporter asks as the rest finish filing into the small octagonal room/elevator. The man in green camo responds, “ Cubans see an officer wearing white, they figure it’s someone they might want to take a shot at. “

The reporter puts on the coat and turns to his colleague to say “Good call, Sam.”

We are now all in the octagon parlor. On the wall hang pictures of detainees, and an American Flag hangs form the center of the ceiling. A haunting voice comes over the loudspeaker as the room begins to stretch, reveling just how these detainees met their demise; “Is this room actually stretching? You may have also noticed that this cell has No Windows and no doors…which leave you this chilling question…TO FIND A WAY OUT!”

The room suddenly goes to pitch black, as the voice from beyond continues, “Of course…There’s always MY way!”

Disney’s Haunted Detention Center opens next month.