NEW LEGISLATION: MIDGETS MUST LIVE UNDERGROUND BY 2008

In a shocking yet darkly humorous move by Congress, America’s midgets have been condemned to live subterranean lives by 2008. The nation’s little people are outraged, as are most real human beings, by this flagrant violation of the Bill of Rights.

“It was some kid’s idea,” explained an anonymous senator. “An overindulgent liberal in the House has a boy who’s really into Tolkien and wants life to be like Middle Earth, where dwarves live underground. The Midget-Relocation measure was, unfortunately, attached to the latest antiterrorism bill, and it passed with flying colors.”

Construction has already begun on the underground halls and smithies that American midgets will occupy in less than two years. Additionally, the little people will, “be required to grow beards, with females employing hormone therapy if needed, and to wear quaint medieval garb and fashion weaponry of exceptional value.”

A noted leader of the midget community, who’s name I can’t remember, had something like this to say: “Blah blah blah… we demand our rights, we’re human beings just like all of you, umpa lumpa, lollipops, ect…”

It kept jabbering and gesticulating, but I’d gotten the idea.

I consulted primatologist Beth Gillmore, a noted observer of midget behavior, on the coming relocation. “It will be very traumatic for them,” she explained. “Detailed studies have shown that midgets locked in dark places for months at a time become violent or depressed. There’s even data suggesting they’re aware of their own mortality. The relocation is inhumane. Midgets belong on the earth’s surface, free to stumble awkwardly about and gather insects.”