Area man disappointed to find out his spirit animal is a paramecium

Ohio native Frank Jakes was let down on Tuesday when he discovered that his animal totem was the microscopic, unicellular paramecium. Jakes, attending a new age retreat in nearby Michigan, came to his mediocre realization during a nocturnal peyote session near the I-75/highway10 overpass.

“The paramecium,” said Jakes in a Monday interview. “Not exactly what a man hopes for as a spiritual guide and protector. I was pulling for a cougar or eagle or something. I didn’t even know what a paramecium was. I had to go home and google the damn thing!”

Jakes, hoping to understand his totem, recently visited a Native American shaman in North Dakota. The medicine man, after listening to Jakes recount his vision, told him, “A paramecium? One of them little blobs in a drop of water? Man, you’re fucked.”

Jakes is currently petitioning the spirit world for an alternate totem, and consuming lethal amounts of mescaline in the process. More on this story as his brain deteriorates.