INTELLEGENT LIFE FOUND IN SEAN PENN; ACADEMY STUNNED

The members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences were taken aback, near the conclusion of the Oscar award show last night that brought hundreds of celebrities and millions of home viewers together to celebrate how much more special famous people are then the rest of us.  The show, which usually runs politically hot, didn’t have it’s usual podium humpers blathering to the world about how their million dollar salaries have somehow put them in touch with the common people and their high profile high maintenance lifestyles have allowed them to see the true horrors of human suffering. How will humanity ever evolve into a cooperative collective with out the well educated and world traveled elite collecting their over inflated paychecks in the name of their socialist progression?

A ray of hope shown on the horizon when Charlize Theron accepted her award for the Darkness of the Light in the Darkness, a mediocre remake of the Light in the Darkness of the Light. Oddly enough, this film wasn’t even nominated, having gone directly to video, and yet, somehow it was clear that the boys at PricewaterhouseCoopers had been gotten to. When Sean Penn came on stage to present the award, everyone in the audience was quite sure that he would start espousing his tired poly-political rhetoric and give us earful about how he thinks humor is anti-humanitarian or some other shit like that. But before he had a chance, he was pounced upon by actress Charlize Theron, who had under gone a transformation for her roll in the film. He was throttled and his spine broken in two places. Many thought Penn was dead, but as Academy Doctors closed in, a new surprising chapter in Oscar History was about to unfold.

From the bloody pulp that once was “Katrina Hero” Sean Penn, came a high pitched voice and shortly there after a small, blue green creature with large eyes crawled through the open ocular cavity of the actor. Cameras zoomed in to get a better look at the creature.

We would soon learn that the creature is known as Xerga the Xergarian, from the Planet Xergananxergaria. He proceeded with an introduction speech but it was impossible to hear over the ruckus as security officers pulled a belligerent Tom Cruise out of the theatre as he screamed something about Thetans. But needless to say it was soon learned that for the past twenty years, Xerga the Xergarian has been living and working, inside Sean Penn.

“I would have thought by now you would have realized that Sean is, in fact, a construct and not a real human being.” Said Xerga later as a surprise guest on the Barbara Walters special, “ I mean, sure given a script I can punch in quite accurate emotional coordinates and pull of a great performance. But on the fly, well I have yet to perfect certain systems. For instance, most of the higher brain functions are iffy at best. And I’m sure you have noticed that the Humor Recognition software is still underdeveloped.”

Later in the program Xerga reveled that “Penn’s” trips to Iraq were not really a pompous actor apologizing for the rest of the country as an unelected official thus denying democracy, but was instead “Just visiting his Brother Nurmog the Nurmogian, who controled “Saddam.”