Gateway to New Dimensions Eclipsed by Shaved Head 

The Large Hadron Collider, a particle accelerator near Geneva, Switzerland, is about to plumb unprecedented depths in the subatomic world, and some chick in LA has shaved her head.  

The LHC is the largest device of its kind, comprising a 27 km underground tunnel in which protons will travel at near light-speed before colliding. In LA, there is a media frenzy concerning the chick’s bald head, which was not bald previous to being shaved. “We aren’t sure at this time why she did it,” said Bush at a Monday press conference. “But I have good people monitoring the situation.” 

The LHC is expected to solve a range of mysteries, including the origin of mass, the nature of dark matter, and whether or not there are other dimensions. However, it cannot solve the mystery of what’s-her-name’s shaved head. Where did the hair go? Will she do it again? The Large Hadron Collider, which might accidentally punch holes in spacetime when it’s activated in November 2007, does not have these answers.  

“I just can’t believe she did it,” said LHC project leader Lyn Evans. “Whereas she possessed hair before, now she is bald. I can’t get my head around this.”  

Neither can much of the United States, which remains largely ignorant of the LHC, the most interesting thing ever built by mankind. More on some person’s scalp as the story develops.