SLACKER CELL DISCOVERED IN DETROIT SUBURB

Federal agents raided a parents’ basement on Monday, home to one Sean Haversham, 28-year-old unemployed gamer and stoner. He and his cohorts were taken into custody and interrogated, and, according to a Homeland Security press conference, they are just one cell in a slacker network pervading America.

“These cells represent a danger to our way of life,” said DHS secretary Michael Chertoff. “Slackers hate work. They’re against everything we stand for.”

In response to the threat, Bush has launched a new campaign to “smoke the slackers out of their holes, wherever they hide.” In addition to parents’ basements, DHS targets will include coffee shops, EB Games stores, and Canada.