Charlie Walsh Set To Replace Leavy In Super Bowl XLI 

“Football is about the gridiron,” says Charlie Walsh, an NFL officiating veteran who is widely criticized for his temperament, onfield demeanor, and for his calls. “It’s about the hits and the scores and the sweat and the battle. But football is also about being nice to people.” 

In what is being hailed as a major downer, Walsh will replace Bill Leavy in this February’s Super Bowl XLI. Leavy, who entered the league as a field judge in 1995 and who graduated to referee in 2001, has served as head officiator in just one Super Bowl, last year’s XL, where he met with harsh criticism regarding his judgment.  

“Bill Leavy is legally blind,” according to one Seattle Seahawks fan. “He is a retarded, lead-poisoned, syphilitic man with glaucoma, cataracts, and ADHD.” 

Leavy bowed out of Super Bowl XLI yesterday, citing “safety concerns.” But is the man who will replace him a better man? Can Charlie Walsh call an NFL game accurately? 

“No,” says Colts fan Mark Lewis, of Indianapolis. Charlie Walsh is a “sad romantic, a gentle puppy who has no idea what football is really about. He’s afraid to make a call. He is afraid of football.” 

Walsh begs to differ. “Look,” the gentle, sweet, sweater-clad man says. “I’m not afraid of football. I’m not afraid of doing my job. I’m a referee. This is a football game. I just want to be nice to people.” 

“That time in Jacksonville,” he says, sipping hot cocoa, “I thought that was wrong. If you’re a defender, your job is to make sure a reciever doesn’t get the ball, right? I understand that the receiver felt bad, believe me, I do. I cried about that. But I think it’s harsh to make the guys come downfield like that all the way to where the interference was. That’s such a big punishment. It made me feel bad for the team. All those guys want to do is to be good guys and do what they’re supposed to do to win the football game.” 

Walsh is also indecisive. The Jacksonville penalty call took seventeen minutes to resolve, due to Walsh’s consultation of the NFL rulebook, the replay tape, the Bible, his mother, an astrologer, and some fans in the stands. Eventually, after pacing around and staring at his feet for several minutes, he announced that the Jaguars should apologize to the Steelers and that there “should be an extra down for the Steelers next time.”  

“Nobody understands me,” Walsh says in a soft voice as he gazes longingly into a warm fire. “They don’t know what it’s like to be out there, judging these men like that. If a quarterback doesn’t make the snap in time, maybe he just needs a little bit more time to think about it. If  there’s a neutral zone infraction, maybe someone is reaching out. If there’s too many men in the huddle, maybe they just didn’t want to say goodbye.” 

“This will be the worst Super Bowl in history,” says Mark Lewis. “The Bears want to kill us. Walsh has baked cupcakes.”