The Darkness of the Light in the Darkness swept the Oscars this week, garnering every award, even those inapplicable to the movie, such as Best Sound—(the film is silent).

The Darkness of the Light in the Darkness tells the tale of Evaea, overweight mentally retarded AIDS victim struggling to survive Third World genocide. Charlize Theron prepared for the challenging part by gaining three hundred pounds, actually contracting HIV, and giving herself a frontal lobotomy. She was a shew-in for Best Actress, and to everyone’s surprise won Best Actor and Best Digital Effects.

During her emotionally charged “award speech” which consisted mostly of mono-syllables and disturbing orgasmic grunts as she rubbed her self vigorously against the podium, lifting her red Versace dress over her head, and bludgeoning her obese womanhood with the Oscar itself, she was joined by Primatologist Francine Patterson, famous for teaching the gorilla Koko sign language. She translated Charlize’s hand gestures: “Charlize want peanut butter. Charlize want tickle.”

This garnered a resounding standing ovation, which apparently frightened the transformed actress. Letting out a blood-curdling yell, she suddenly turned on presenter Sean Penn, grabbed him by the neck and throttled the pretentiousness right out of him. The microphone picked up the sound of all his bones snapping as he became like a rag doll, ironically preparing him for his next roll as a gay paraplegic war hero with terminal cancer caught behind Roman lines in a Germania that will not submit. Pulled off of Mr. Penn by Emergency Animal Handlers waiting on the sides with high voltage cattle prods, she then began scrapping the poop out of her ass and hurling it haphazardly at the audience.

Catherine Zeta Jones described the experience as “the best therapy I’ve ever gotten. No one’s ever just thrown shit in my face before. Now I feel ready to tackle my next role as a recovering child-abuse victim struggling with a scatology fetish while advocating euthanasia for my catatonic granddaughter. Who has AIDS. And cancer. For my next T-Mobil commercial.”

Ms. Theron’s people were unavailable for comment.