US reels in shock: Zarqawi has Successor

The Bush administration is still scrambling to understand the most recent setback in the war on terror: defying all projected scenarios, Al Queda has installed a successor to Zarqawi.

“We didn’t see this coming,” said Rumsfeld. “No one could have predicted another terrorist waiting to take his leader’s place.”

Michael Hayden had this to say: “Apparently, what we’re dealing with here, mkay, is some kind of hierarchy, which draws upon a large pool of volunteers. Eliminating Zarqawi isn’t really a step forward. Who knew?”

Carl Rove isn’t letting this successor thing get him down. “The post-Zarqawi era is upon us. Not only is this the penultimate blow to terrorism, but the doorway to a thousand years of peace, prosperity, and conservative progress toward God’s America. Once the evildoers realize their Iraqi leader is dead, their anger will evaporate. And the renaissance can begin.” Signs that Rove is correct are already rife: artisans, minstrels, and physical philosophers are flooding into Baghdad, and polymaths like Da Vinci are astounding the civilized world with sketches of ‘flying machines’ and ‘steam engines.’

A CIA insider who wishes to remain anonymous has speculated that American actions in Iraq have created new terrorists. The far-fetched theory is not expected to hold weight in today’s intellectually vigorous America.

In related news, the new hit reality show Who Wants to Fuck the Moaning Pile of Garbage? has captivated our national consciousness.