American Refugees Emigrate to Valinor 

In pitiful, furtive groups, Americans are fleeing oppression on makeshift rafts, their futures uncertain as they drift into the West. As fear-driven consumerism balloons to monstrous proportions, and every other country in the world grows to hate them, more and more U.S. citizens are turning with hopeful eyes toward the Grey Havens, and the mystical sea beyond.  

“The elven afterlife sounds good to me,” says 28-year-old Brent Davis, a computer programmer from Dayton, Ohio, as he constructs a raft out of milk cartons, tires, and old plywood. “We Americans set out to save the free market system, and it has been saved. But not for me.”  

Valinor, aka ‘The Undying Lands,’ is home to the Valar, angelic beings that have shaped their land into a garden paradise. American aliens are currently being held in fenced camps beneath overpasses in southern Valinor, while Valar task forces attempt to quell the American Crime Wave that has gripped the Pastures of Yavanna.  

Referring to the criminals, 35-year-old camp refugee Chip Wayland says, “It’s bastardos like those that give hard-working immigrants like me a bad name. My family came to Valinor for a fresh start, to be good, immortal citizen-gods, not coke dealers!”  

The issue promises to crystallize as a custody battle ensues over 5-year-old refugee Matthew Wilkins, whose parents are still in America. More on this as the case progresses.