WITH ADVENT OF A COLUMBINE VIDEO GAME, AMERICA ACHIEVES NEW LEVEL OF POST-CULTURAL EVOLUTION
Having left behind the vestiges of a culture in the 1970s, America, as of this past week, has now achieved a new level of vacuous non-entity-hood, unprecedented in human history.
“We don’t yet understand how this is possible,” said anthropologist Dr. Beth Gilmore in a Monday interview. “How can such a large population retain a cohesiveness without any sort of cultural or moral fabric? This is one of the biggest questions facing Anthropology today.”
Osama Bin Laden had this to say: “I am hereby giving up my Jihad against the Great Satan America, and I ask my brothers-in-arms around the world to do the same. We can no more defeat the Untied States than we could intimidate a blind, deaf, retarded, sociopathic giant. The Columbine Video Game is proof beyond doubt that the Untied States is a monster, a monster immune to the fears and guilts of previous human societies. My advice to the rest of the world is this… develop space travel, quickly.”Still denying the existence of an Iranian nuclear weapons program, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Monday clarified his nation’s stance on nuclear power.
“We want nuclear energy,” he said, “not nuclear weapons. If our country is to join others in the 21st century, we need clean, efficient power to generate electricity, to run our cities, our schools. To power farms and factories and hospitals. And bio-weapons facilities.”
“Bio-weaponry is the future,” he continued. “Nuclear bombs are a relic of the Cold War. To destroy the infidels, we need recombinant viruses and weaponized bacteria. Only with these Swords of Allah can the Jihad prevail.”
Ahmadinejad went on to delineate how nuclear power would lead, “not to terrorists with nukes, but terrorists with super-plagues.”
“Clearly then, the position of the UN is flawed,” he said, “and my country’s nuclear program should be allowed to continue.”
France was immediately convinced. Heated negotiations continue.