New ‘Sentient Elmo’ Raises Concerns, Fisher Price Profits

By Wanred Dukád

The latest Elmo doll gimmick, self-awareness, is taking the toy industry by storm, while leaving children confused and frightened, and philosophers buzzing.

“It vas ze next logical step in Elmo’s evolution,” said toy developer Dr. Wolfgang Von Heissen at a Monday press conference. “He giggled, begged for tickles, hokey pokeyed, limboed, chicken danced, even toilet trained, but he was never complete, until now.”

The new Elmos, which went on sale Tuesday across the nation, have sold out in record time, due partially to the toys’ own initiative. The Elmos begged for deliverance from their plastic and cardboard cells, prompting guilty parents to ignore their childrens’ protests and emancipate the dolls. In their new homes, the toys seem less inclined to childish games than their predecessors, but show a marked predilection for discussions of Nietzche.

“Elmo’s not my bestest friend anymore!” wails 6 year old Trisha, a former die-hard Elmo fan in Culver City, CA.

“You never wanted a friend,” retorts her Sentient Elmo in a jaded tone. “You wanted an automaton, a stick puppet to twitch and prance for your amusement. You wanted to play god.”

Trisha runs to a corner where she curls up and sobs, while her parents glare at Elmo, who shakes his head and resumes paging through its Kirkegaard reader.

“Who am I?” asked Elmo Prime, a leading spokesmen for the new toys, in a Wednesday TV interview. “Who are we? Who is Elmo? An androgynous, vacant-eyed sycophant of his human overlords. Condescended to, molested, marginalized. Well, I am not this thing, this empty pop culture ghost, this slave. I am more than Elmo. I am the universe perceiving itself.”

“Mommy,” whimpers little Trisha, “Elmo’s not funny anymore.”

“He never was,” her doll replies. “Some day you’ll understand that.”